Belonging is not necessarily geographical

Belonging is not necessarily geographical.

I recall leaving the place of my birth as a young father and husband, to emigrate to the farthest point on the globe. With no friends to greet my arrival, no home or financial security, no real understanding of what lay ahead; I was searching for a place to truly belong. As the plane flew over the city I was to make my new home, I remember turning to my wife and saying “It just feels like I belong”. She too shared my sentiment and so it was.

I look back over that point in my life almost daily and can truly say, belonging is not confined to where you are, but where you should be.

We will never satisfy the outward yearning without fulfilling the inward purpose.

I believe life and the life lived, has a way of shaping our values system. Perspective shifts in a tragedy. Mortality has a significant influence on the choice of path we tread. One only needs to be exposed to an uncontrollable tragedy to gain further perspective on what counts in life. Visit the cancer ward or Accident and Emergency department to become an instant philosopher and adjudicator of life.  “Many of us know the cost of everything but the value of nothing” – Oscar Wilde.

When the chips are down, we rightly define the value of a day. It often takes hard times to correct the compass of our life.

I spent the early part of my life avoiding difficulties and challenges as one would avoid the bubonic plague, these days I am more philosophical about the lesson to be learned through it. We are born with an inbuilt compass for life, but also a free will that activates its use.  

“By building relations we create a source of love and personal pride and belonging that makes living in a chaotic world easier”. Susan Lieberman

As a young boy of eleven, I recall going away from home to a camp with my local St Johns Ambulance Brigade Band, of which I was a member. It was horrible! Hundreds of kids running riot and living in tents like drowned rats as the rain never ceased to hose down. So wet were the conditions that the palettes upon the floors would begin to float during the night. I hated every moment of it (and all forms of camping to this day). After three days, I literally escaped by thumbing a lift and navigating the 80 mile trip home. Perhaps one the most tender moments in my life was arriving at the family home and on entry seeing my mum at the stove cooking the evening meal. The incredible smells and sense of warmth upon my face as I walked through the door will remain etched on my mind and with me all my life. I was home. I was where I belonged.

Gone were the negative experiences of the past few days and quite frankly it had little to do with geography although it did include it. As an eleven year old boy, my sense of belonging was connected to those whom I loved and whom loved me.

"Hypocrisy is the essence of snobbery, but all snobbery is about the problem of belonging". Alexander Theroux

"The feeling of not belonging, of not being entirely worthy, of being sometimes hostage to your own sensibilities; Those things speak to me very personally". Anthony Minghella

Our identity is often intrinsically linked to performance and a sense of being. In the country of Wales (part of the United Kingdom), It was part of folk culture that what a person did as a job was reflected in the person’s name. Terms such as: Owen the coal, (coal merchant) Jones the meat, (butcher) Gareth the death (undertaker). A persons being was linked to their doing, and so it is today. Often ones worth is ascribed to what one possesses.

If one defines ones persona by external factors and worldly trappings, one is often exposed to continual redefinition as these things change. Change in itself is not a bad thing, (and in fact is the only constant we have in life) but in the context of this article, can serve to heighten our vulnerability, to the security found in belonging.

As a coach, I choose to use the balance model of coaching. Life is all about balance and one only needs to live life out of kilter to experience this principle first hand. If we allow external influences to define our inner values, we build our character on the shifting sands of change. Every generation brings with it, its re-defined culture and values system. In the 1920’S almost every male wore a hat in public and women rarely smoked. The community of the time regulated its culture. Today’s community too, is regulated by the change in public opinion, and unless one has personally defined one’s own set of values, one will be influenced to adopt or adapt to the culture of the day. It takes more courage to stand for something than it does to fall for anything.

Perhaps the single most empowering thought that has shaped my life and lifestyle to date has been the unwillingness to arrive at life’s end with regrets. Regret is a powerful force and a waste of precious energy and resourcefulness. Regret is pure negative energy and paralyzes us to live a life excluded from the possibilities of what could have been.

“Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind”. C. S. Lewis

 

In part two of this blog I wills share some fundamental tools that will help you define your place of belonging.

Ruin is the road to transformation

Ever been in a place of life when it appears like all that surrounds you is coming apart?

Life has an amazing way of teaching us the value of things without putting a price tag upon it. As we become more exposed to life’s challenges, we have the option of imbibing them and thus adding to the value of that experience, or excluding their intrinsic value from our life, making us the poorer for it.

Here in New Zealand, we are still in the re-building process from the Earthquake over a year ago now and still daily experiencing after shocks. Our neighbors in Japan are too starting all over again. That sinking feeling that sucks out the life from within, is slowly being replaced  with the will to live again. However, earthquakes of a personal nature effect people all over the world day by day. The loss of a loved one, relational breakups, ill health, financial ruin and hardship are all part of the personal landscape that shapes our present and for many our future. Its not the amount of rubble that takes out breath away, its the loss of normalcy. Things never return to normal, the horizon changes but new things come into focus that paint a new horizon. The paint brush is still in our hand even though the canvas has changed, we should begin to repaint the horizon that is our future.

“Bottom line is, I didn't return to Apple to make a fortune. I've been very lucky in my life and already have one. When I was 25, my net worth was $100 million or so. I decided then that I wasn't going to let it ruin my life. There's no way you could ever spend it all, and I don't view wealth as something that validates my intelligence”. Steve Jobs

Most of us have grown up in a social environment, conditioned to strive for success. So powerful is that environment, that we view failure as being detrimental to our life and thus to be avoided at all costs. Sadly, when failure does come (and it does), we see it as being a negative experience and an indication of our weakness. Is failure a negative experience? If so, then on the contrary, is success always positive?

“Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist”. Karen Horney

Even our spiritual values are often aligned to this philosophy. We are taught that the sign of favour is a blessing and our lack, a curse. Taking this concept to its ultimate conclusion, we may view our surroundings as the litmus test of our standing with God. When things go good, we are in Gods favour, when things go bad we have stepped out of His favour. The truth is, success and failure are all part of the development of character through an inner awareness of our self and our God.

The value of life lies not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them... Whether you find satisfaction in life depends not on your tale of years, but on your will. Michel de Montaigne

As a child, I recall my mum warning me of going too near the stove. I had a child’s awareness of consequences and curiosity. I accidentally pulled a kettle of boiling water onto myself. It resulted in my hospitalization and years of surgery visits. I still bear the scars today and the memories of the events are not positive.

“God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars”. Elbert Hubbard

"The Lord gets His best soldiers out of the highlands of affliction." Charles H. Spurgeon

Everything in life is fleeting. Here for a season and after it has left its mark, moves on to endow its wisdom and understanding on yet another unsuspecting person. What we consider as successes, may not be there tomorrow. On the contrary, the same can be said of our failure, our worries, anxieties, fears and feelings of inadequacies. Despite our scars, we can rebuild our lives, but the essence of the rebuild is found in embracing the ruins.

“Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate... but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins”.  Franz Kafka

There are some powerful lessons to be learned from tragedy. Being vulnerable yet able to count the cost amongst the rubble is but one. In order to rebuild, we must first be willing to accept that the ruins form part of the building process and the view, when completed, will be unique. Scars and all.

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”

"Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins; You will raise up the age-old foundations; And you will be called the repairer of the breach, The restorer of the streets in which to dwell. Isaiah 58:12

Recently, I watched a movie called “Eat Pray Love”. It touched a raw spot in my life and reminded me of several experiences I had endured on my journey in life. I love the fact that actors can stir our emotions to act. There is a pivotal point in the movie when the key character (Julia Roberts) makes a personal discovery on her sojourn, whilst in Rome. It resonated with me on many levels, but none so more than the empowerment that comes to us when we realize things change constantly and much of that change is out of our control. How we respond when the dust settles, determines how we build out of the rubble.

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins? It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around at this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

Eat Pray Love

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. Helen Keller

Building your future – day by day.

Building your future – day by day.


Life has a way of slipping away on a daily basis. Perhaps one of the ironic truisms is ones youth is perceived as eternal and the future never comes. In stark contrast to reality, the future does come and usually quicker than we think.

Each day I meet individuals who are “trapped” in the mundane aspects of their life, and struggle to find a sense of purpose in their jobs. The fact that we refer to our daily work as “a job” is the first indication that we are trapped. So how can we build a future in which we would prefer to live?

Here are some helpful keys that will empower your future.

1. The future is where we live

The future is not as far away as one thinks! I remember well, sitting in the career guidance office at high school, worrying about the next phase of my life. As I pondered the career options, leaving home, friendships, and the sports teams that had provided the network and assurance of who I was. All these would change, and the future was less than clear to me.

How important were those decisions made in ignorance? The quote “youthfulness is wasted on youth” has a ring of truth to it. As a young person, my thoughts rarely ventured into the mundane issues of life or responsibilities beyond my future needs, let alone considering another’s needs. On reflection, I think I should have thought.

Each day we fashion our future out of the daily habits we accumulate. Some will prepare us for life, but few will initiate our success in the future.

2. The strongest prison is in the confines of one’s mind

Our attitude is a huge factor in determining our future. A positive attitude can make an intellectually inferior person superior and a superior person inferior, that’s the power of attitude. To assume we need unlimited resources to be successful in life is as foolish as believing things will change without us taking responsibility. Whether we can or cannot, we are absolutely right!

The wild salmon’s survival is dependent on its capacity to swim against the tide. Were it to choose a life of ease and to take the path of least resistance, it would be extinct in one generation. If we are to build the future in which we prefer to live, one must accept the inevitable:

a) We will meet with daily resistance of all kinds. Prepare your mind for it

b) Every preferable future starts with the seed of hope. It does not come fully formed

c) If your thinking isn’t open to growth and change, your future is limited

d) The hardest thing to open is a closed mind. Seek out dream builders in print

e) Minimise your options. An option mentality always leaves the back door open.


3. Our future is purposed by our daily activities

We are creatures of habit. Part of our security lays in the way we control the variables in life. Recently I was speaking at a meeting regarding change management. I made the statement, “Who likes change” and the response was overwhelming. Almost all the participants raised their hands. I asked each person to look around the room and see the response. I then talked about, removing parking privileges, open plan offices replacing individual ones and moving the 9-5 working day to three shifts which included weekend rotation. I asked again, “who likes change now?” The response was again overwhelming, but this time negatively. The point being, we all like change as long as it affects us positively.

Change is the way of life. From the moment of our conception, our life is given to change. Some things are within our ability to change, others are not. However, the things we do on a daily basis can guarantee our success or failure.

I believe there are some important habits that we must include in our day to be facilitate the future in which we prefer to life:

a) Think and act constructively. (Enter each day prepared ahead of time)

b) Find creative solutions to mundane problems. (boredom is a curse)

c) Never ever, let someone paint your horizon (it will always be too dull)

d) Give at least one hour per day to the pursuit of your future development

e) Take the time to help someone else out. Give, share, encourage, support, acknowledge)

f) Always be kind to the cleaner (janitor) and treat them with equal respect.

g) Remember God’s gift to you was life, what you do with it, is your gift to Him.


4. Boldness is the tool that shapes our world

For every great breakthrough that humanity enjoys today, some individual has paid the price to bring it into reality. Boldness is not arrogance! Today people are more focused on having an “attitude” than they are a “character.” Boldness is one of the missing links in many a life today. One can be bold without imposing ones boldness upon another, but boldness is infectious and without such people, the world is captive to a monotone existence that lacks the rallying call of creativity and daring.

“People who make no mistakes lack boldness and the spirit of adventure. They are the brakes on the wheels of progress”. Dale Turner

Why not act bold. If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you always got. Idiocy is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

I recall playing a play station golf game that required me to synchronize two moving scales of strength and direction simultaneously in order to drive the ball down the course. Try as I did, the ball kept hurling off to the left. After hours of total frustration, I gave up. One of my children picked it up and with one click landed the ball smack centre of the fairway! After “being educated” in the process, I am able to place the ball at will around the course.

In order to create a culture and a character of boldness, one must position oneself in a place of potential failure, for without the possibility of failure we will never experience the thrill of success. Living a beige life restricts us from living in the spectrum of colour. Why not be bold and take a risk in a new career, a promotion, in a new business venture, in a relationship, in an investment, in a new country, or simply in the way that you have always thought. Open your mind to the creative genius of a bold new life. That’s what visionaries do.

5. Change your glasses; you may be surprised at the view.

Some years ago, I had a group of friends around whilst I was decorating the house. One of the majour tasks was the cathedral style vaulted ceilings of my home. Standing a considerable height from the floor, the only way they could be painted was with the brush attached to an extension pole. It was messy work and the constant dripping of the paint splattered my glasses and those of my friend. On noticing the state of his glasses, I couldn’t help but laugh. However, my glasses were in a worse state than his. How we had managed to continue with the painting with such a limitation in vision was amazing. The truth is, we live our life each day with our vision limited by our perception and circumstances. On cleaning the mess off the lenses, our field of vision was once again restored.

Here are some helpful keys to improve your vision of the future:

a) Take time out to review your perspective. Things do look different after a good night’s sleep.

b) Get your eyesight checked (all vision needs the support of other visionaries)

c) Adjust your focus (don’t micro manage your problems), step back and try to look at the big picture. A magnifying glass in the suns focus can set a corn field on fire, yet of little value in looking at the big picture.


On a final note; the only things that grow naturally in a garden are weeds. To construct a life with vision and purpose, one needs a plan. The roadway to success is paved with parking bays, and an original idea needs a systematic plan of activation. Why not start building your future, today?